I really love the National Institutes of Health even when I can not figure out how they score my RO1s. They support studies on genetic susceptibility to certain diseases, cancer precursors and interleukins. The things that they don't research are the things that seem to make a typical call night a living hell. There are so many of these but here are a few.
Why do people with tattoos and piercings turn Gray as a Ghost and past out when they see the needle for their IV?
Why is getting the IV often the hardest part of surgery?
Why is it that the patient who needs the NG tube the most, is the one who will always pull it out?
When you go to get a pair of exam gloves out of the box, why do you always get a blob of gloves instead of one at a time?
Why can you always find hemacult cards but no K-Y jelly?
Why do the patients charts suddenly explode like a paper filled A-Bomb when you pull them out of the rack?
Why does the EMR go on the fritz at the exact time you need to check the hematocrit?
Why is it that patients seem to code more often in the elevators and radiology than anywhere else in the hospital?
Why can't hospitals have really big elevators so the ICU beds and all the IV pumps and stuff fit without bashing them and you in the process?
Why do they put carpet in hospitals? (Ever tried to get blood and pus out of one?)
Why do patients seem to only extubate themselves in the middle of the night?
When you are paged, why is it that the person who paged you is never the one who answers the phone?
Why are patients who come to the ER with the complaint of dysphagia always obese?
How many feet away from that portable chest XRAY machine do you have to be to keep from being zapped?
Why aren't there air fresheners everywhere on the GI floor?
How come surgical scrubs come in only two sizes, way too big and way too small?
Where do all those tube things disappear to in the hospitals tube system?
Why do patients always turn their head toward you to puke instead of the other way?
What is it about foley bags and elevators?
Just exactly how long does it take to do a stat set of lytes?
How do you get charcoal out of your shoes?
How come you can never find the patient and their chart at the same time?
How do you get that D**** IV pump to stop beeping?
Why is it that you always need a pen and can never find one?
Just who exactly is that person who is always walking around with a clipboard but doesn't seem to do anything?
Why are foleys and ng tubes kept in that room you have to have a code to get in?
Who keeps drinking the last cup of coffee and doesn't make anymore? (Coffee keeps the ER running!)
Why is the patient's ID bracelet over the only good site for his arterial line?
How does anesthesia know to put tape or a monitor lead exactly over the place you need to make your incision?
Who is "some dude" and why does he keep shooting people?
Why is it that the patients level of complaints is often inversely proportional to the degree of injury?
I will keep trying to submit these studies to the NIH, who knows perhaps there might be a grant out there.
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11 comments:
You poor thing. What a great list though. I've wondered what the heck they were thinking about when they designed hospital elevators? They certainly weren't thinking about the functioning of a hospital...
Universal law, Murhy's law, just because...,and I Don't know and make one stronger. :)
Great post. I will come back and be more specific. Sore throat and could not sleep so got back up. However, finally decided to take 2 Benadrl. Now I am going to pretend my bed is a field of poppies and I am going down,
down, down. Yikes...falling asleep upright in chair!
Wow Throckmorton...it sounds like you do some interesting work with research.
I feel like a train hit me today and so am getting my mind off my physical woes by blogging. I hope you don't mind that I answered your questions this way. I couldn't resist. ;) This post was clever, most entertaining and true. (Do another one) If my comment is too long or off track please delete it.
I really love the National Institutes of Health even when I can not figure out how they score my RO1s. They support studies on genetic susceptibility to certain diseases, cancer precursors and interleukins. The things that they don't research are the things that seem to make a typical call night a living hell. There are so many of these but here are a few.
Why do people with tattoos and piercings turn Gray as a Ghost and past out when they see the needle for their IV?
They are under the influence of some mind altering substance? Although aren’t they when they come into the hospital too? Chalk it up to universal mystery.
Why is getting the IV often the hardest part of surgery?
That is funny and speaking as a patient – so true. Of course for me…once they give me my margarita cocktail pre-op the rest is smooth sailing. (Ignorance is bliss) Although…ever since I saw the episode on Grey’s anatomy last fall where Meredith got all breezy and free with her words with her pre-op meds…I get all squirrely just thinking about it. She was very open about all her thoughts and it seemed she responded to what was right in front of her. I can imagine myself being that breezy. We all have things we wouldn’t want to say. (I wrote a couple of posts bout it and Dr Schwab as Dr of the month over at Addicted to medblogs addressed it in there and in his own blog.) The thing is…I could swear I remember EVERYTHING right up to getting on the OR table. BUT what happens when the anesthesiologist says he is giving me the rest of the medication? Am I still awake? AND do I say revealing things? I am sure OR people are used to it. (Except…I am leaning toward getting a job there) I know up where I worked they used a lot of conscious sedation on pts (skiers/snowboarders) and you’d hear them screaming in pain and then see them leaving as happy as could be because they don’t remember a thing. VERSED!
Why is it that the patient who needs the NG tube the most, is the one who will always pull it out? Murphy’s law.
When you go to get a pair of exam gloves out of the box, why do you always get a blob of gloves instead of one at a time?
Universal law.
Why do the patients charts suddenly explode like a paper filled A-Bomb when you pull them out of the rack?
Because when 10lbs of med rec papers for one patient decompresses … they explode.
Why does the EMR go on the fritz at the exact time you need to check the hematocrit?
Murphy’s law
Why is it that patients seem to code more often in the elevators and radiology than anywhere else in the hospital?
And I thought that was for TV drama.
Why can't hospitals have really big elevators so the ICU beds and all the IV pumps and stuff fit without bashing them and you in the process?
You would think that would be an architectural no brainer! Possibly for security’s entertainment as they monitor the cameras.
Why do they put carpet in hospitals? (Ever tried to get blood and pus out of one?)
Boy do I hear you on that one! Pus-ewe! God Bless Housekeeping, except at our hospital they only have weekend housekeeping on the 7-3 shift. I think that is WRONG! So the nurses and maintenance and sometimes we had to do it. Guess how hard it was to find maintenance? I couldn’t believe they had fabric furniture at one time in the ER waiting room-vomit and blood, scabies and lice-Oh My!
Why do patients seem to only extubate themselves in the middle of the night?
They do it for the good of the staff so you don’t get complacent.
When you are paged, why is it that the person who paged you is never the one who answers the phone?
They are messing with you. ;)
Why are patients who come to the ER with the complaint of dysphagia always obese?
They’ve "banded" together and it’s a plot.
How many feet away from that portable chest XRAY machine do you have to be to keep from being zapped?
Universal mystery no one really wants you to know. I have wondered about that since I have been around portables too (20 yrs) although usually on the other side of the wall. In our old ER pts only separated by curtains.
I have had so many radiologic tests that the fire flies follow the glow emanating from me in the summer!
Stupid kidney stone!
Why aren't there air fresheners everywhere on the GI floor? I don’t know but it might be a sign that you need to go there more to build a tolerance.
How come surgical scrubs come in only two sizes, way too big and way too small?
Discrimination against average sized people.
Where do all those tube things disappear to in the hospitals tube system?
They are stuck because someone put a dirty diaper in there as payback from OB to lab for slow turn around times with results. I have a friend who worked in OB and one of the docs REALLY did that!
Why do patients always turn their head toward you to puke instead of the other way?
IS there any other way? Must have to do with the built in homing device for tracking medical personnel.
What is it about foley bags and elevators?
Universal mystery that ties in with an unexplainable warped magnetic force.
Been there done that with the foley bags.
Just exactly how long does it take to do a stat set of lytes?
Ask OB.
How do you get charcoal out of your shoes?
Save your self the aggravation…next time, don’t wear shoes. ;)
How come you can never find the patient and their chart at the same time?
The thrill of the chase is always more fun.
How do you get that D**** IV pump to stop beeping? Toss it out the window!
LOL! I had a nite in the ER where I figured if I didn’t reset it the staff would possibly kill me…although it might have been a mercy killing considering how frigid the trauma room was after 9 hours confined to a stretcher. If you ever find yourself in survival mode…you’ll know what to do. ;) (I know I wasn’t supposed to and later when nurse realized I was doing that she told me I shouldn’t but they were busy and I’d do it again)
* Whatever you do...make sure there are no witnesses.
Why is it that you always need a pen and can never find one?
I think they were sucked out by a hospital tube gone wild and spewed out into a universal black hole. Pretty much ties in with my universal law theory. Also pretty sure the Hubble will discover them someday. ;)
Just who exactly is that person who is always walking around with a clipboard but doesn't seem to do anything?
I don’t know but they get around like some dude…they’re everywhere.
Why are foleys and ng tubes kept in that room you have to have a code to get in?
For the challenge and because they can be.
Who keeps drinking the last cup of coffee and doesn't make anymore? (Coffee keeps the ER running!) Parasites!
Why is the patient's ID bracelet over the only good site for his arterial line?
Universal law and Murphy’s law. One night I went back into the cardiac room, had the pt sign her chart and put the ID band on. The ER doc’s desk was practically at the foot of the cardiac stretcher. (Can you imagine that? Having to do all your charting and phone calls right in front of the pt and whoever was with them? It was an old small ER-now they have a new one.) I gave the doc the chart and went to the ladies room across the hall. A nurse seriously said, ”SeaSpray…can you come with me for a minute?” I go back into the cardiac room and the doc is smiling at me, the pt is smiling at me and now the nurse has a mischievous glint in her eye. She says to me, “SeaSpray…do you see anything wrong here?” I quickly look at the woman and then back at nurse and doc and said “nooo?” Now they’re all smiling and she say’s are “Are you SURE?” and so now I know I did something. I look back at pt and then down. GEEE! I attached the pt and her wrist band to the stretcher rail! They cracked up (me too) and I got her another band.
How does anesthesia know to put tape or a monitor lead exactly over the place you need to make your incision?
They are toying with you for their amusement!
Who is "some dude" and why does he keep shooting people?
LOL…he DOES get around…you’d think he was omnipotent. He beats them up too.
Why is it that the patients level of complaints is often inversely proportional to the degree of injury?
Because it is the universal law of wimps and wimpettes. ) Conversely some people are stoic and they have a high pain threshold – something I haven’t achieved as yet. I think I am a borderline hyperventilater sometimes- hence I identify with the 1st group. ;)
I will keep trying to submit these studies to the NIH, who knows perhaps there might be a grant out there.
You never know Throckmorton! ;)
Hi Throckmorton- I thought of you a while back because of some clinical studies I was trying to look up and I immediately thought of your CNS QNS post and so I linked to it again tonight.
I had good lab results - better than the usual and it struck me that there were only 2 things I have been doing differently since last November 06 and over the last 10 years. Also I was confused about the cinnamon studies. Anyway...I linked you to it and I hope you don't mind.
Also...I do hope you didn't mind that I joked with you regarding this gray Ghost Sign post which was great. :)
The independent Urologist just put up an interesting post talking about the frustrations of a urologist/physician in getting payed in December because of financial pressures the pts have this time of year. Conversely...I am the reverse-I want to get it done although I doubt I will now because so late in the year and Christmas and all that.
I hope everything is going well for you and that Santa Clause is good to you! ;)
Hey Throckmorton - are you being held captive in the OR? Will they let you out for Christmas or what? Just wondering. ;)
I blogrolled you and poof you was gone... Hope your okay, and finding some down time to enjoy life. Your missed though.
Yes Throckmorton....I echo what Chrysalis Angel said...you are missed and I also hope you are alright.
Admittedly...in the blogosphere when we bloggers enjoy reading/frequenting someones blog and they seem to stop for a while we all wonder if they are closing up shop. Hope that's not the case with you...although...you CAN just get ny with the name ...Throckmorton. You've got a great title for this blog. :)
Correction: I meant to say "you CAN get by with just the name...Throckmorton."
Seriously Throckmorton...nah...that doesn't work...hard to be serious with Throckmorton in the sentence. ;)
What I am trying to say (LOL!)is that I do hope all is well and you will return soon.
Also...of course I thought of you because of my current post which is my explanation of why I like Throckmortons. That post is a set up for a post written by one of my favorite ED docs who closed his blog last year. The post is called Germaphobia but the comments end up taking a funny twist thanks to his SURPRISE comment about Throckmorton! THAT is where my TOTAL amusement of the Throckmorton salad bar concept and Throckmortons was born. :)
BTW...if you ever felt so inclined...it would thoroughly amuse me if you ever left a comment on my site. It would really make me smile if I saw a "Throckmorton" had visited as one of my commenters. I am just sayin... ;)
I don't think I ever told you this but I do like your header, the intro , your profile and the title for your blogroll.
Ha ha! And I won't comment in this post again because it does seem a bit excessive on my part. I love that a Throckmorton is posting, enjoy what you write and hope you don't give it up. :)
Okay...so admittedly I am being excessive but ...Knock, knock!
Who's there?
SeaSpray
SeaSpray who?
SeaSpray wants Throckmorton to come out to play.(It's 01:45-cut me some slack) :)
I do hope I didn't offend you with my long response to your funny post. I was totally under the weather with a horrible URI and your post was the highlight of my day. :) And so I responded in kind.
I also hope all is well with you.
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