Monday, November 23, 2009

Naval stalagtites

I know that the old story is that you should always wear clean underwear in case you get in to an accident, but we just cut those things off with big bandage scissors and toss them on the floor when you come in with a multitrauma. The real problem is when you have a patient that you have to take to the OR to do a trauma lap. You spread paint on the abdomen and right next to where you are going to make your incision is this mass of unidentified fibers, sweat and sebum full of bacteria and often the occaisional piece of gum or french fry. You grap it with sponge stick and pull and it wont come out. The patient is crashing and you just pour betadine on it and cut around it hoping that it doesnt fall out into the belly. I dont care what kind, how clean or even if you are wearing underwear, please just keep that crud out of the belly button!

Oh, wait a minute. I have got an idea. I just have to come up with a special, single use disposable naval smegma extractor. Then I write a paper in which I show a Press-Gainey study that it potentially could cause improved survival and get JACHO to mandate a three page chart document that shows who and how the goo was removed, its color, clarity, palate and aesthetic qualities making sure that it in no way is discrimatory and make a fortune. We will have to charge a lot for the extractor to cover the lawsuits where people claim loss of consortium for all the pain that they have had post lint extraction and those that claimed that we participated in a class action against all those who have navels. I wonder what portion of the population are outies vs inees?

Oh, while we are at it, could you also trim those toenails?


SeaSpray said...

So ..Throckmorton ..did you have a bad day in surgery or something? Like one to many many patients with an overabundance of smegma/FB filled navels with exceptionally long toe nails to contend with? Almost sounds like you're profiling here..not very PC ya know. ;)

You MUST be kidding about the gum and fry!??

Very funny about Press-Ganey/JCAHO/smegma extractor ..but ..SHHH! You don't want to give them any ideas. ;)

I admit to being gullible every so often. really ..are you kidding about those things in the navel? Who could live with that?

Throckmorton said...

I hate to admit it but yes, I have found both gum and what appears to have been a french fry in the naval.

SeaSpray said...

Throck - you said "to *have been* " Eww decomposed in the navel.

And so they apparently don't bathe either.

Oh and you might want to get a patent on your smegma extractor.. just in case. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

PlanetaryGear said...

I was just having a discussion over dinner the other day of what the surgeon friend of mine has found in the folds of peoples fat... Including 1 lost remote... I'll have to ask over the next dinner about the navel!

If I ever let myself fall that far please just order me a bath and a psyche consult.