JACHO + HIPPA +ATLA = NONFL

I was between cases last night while on call, your mind tends to wander to: where is the patient? Have they left the ER yet?; Is the blood ready? and what would happen if the Federal Government imposed all its regulations that exist in medicine on the NFL? Oh, SportsCenter was on in the background.

I think it would be something like this. First, if there is a stadium, anyone could come in and stay as long as they like regardless of their ability to pay. The home team must then feed, clothe and maintain all the fans needs until they leave or a place can be found for them. The team must all be legally responsible for the fans until such time as they leave. The fans shall have a "Bill of Rights" that must be strickly adhered to by the stadium. The fans will not be able to watch the game unless everyone in the game has added them to their HIPPA release form. Prior to entering the stadium, all fans must fill out 12 pages of forms and sign all the necessary federal, state and legal documents as mandated.

As to the actual team, it can not discrimate based on sex, age, race, handicap, etc. Infact, the retained attorneys want the team to be made of people from all races, sexual orientations, size, and to be sure to have at least one disabled running back. Comissioner Pete Stark wants to be sure that in no way can players endorse products, receive products or pass the ball to any other player withwhom the player may have a financial interest. So passing is strickly prohibited. The ball can be handed off, but only to a higher level of running so as to avoid EMTLA laws.

While on the field, there will need to be extra players, because there will be one to run the ball and three to document that he did infact run the ball and then others to document blocking. This is after the manditory pre and post touching the ball documentation was done. Each play must be sent to legal prior to going to the huddle to look at its legal ramifications and only after has it cleared this can it be sent to the tax attorneys to be sure that it does not effect the tax layouts. A detailed consent form must them be filled out to describe the play and all the potential complications before the play can start.

There will be no tackling, instead each player will sign an intent of running including a consent to run the ball form the after which each will retain counsel. The defense will then weight the risks of actually stopping the runner vs letting him just run. A cost and benefit analysis will then ensue. If the runner does run and is tacked, professional experts will then be hired to debate if he is injured or discriminated against and then how far he might have run the ball instead of how far he actually did. A jury of those that no nothing of football will then decide what might have happened and award yards based on their emotions as well as adding punitive yards. (This is why you have disabled running backs.)

There will be no television or taping of games as this violates the HIPPA provisions. Players names will not be on their jerseys for the same reason as each player will now have a pin code to ensure that their privacy is protected. A new HIPPA form must be filled out by each player prior to the start of the play.

All payers will be paid strickly on the basis of a CMS relative value scale which will include a yearly decrease. Payment will be based strickly on documentation, not on performance or decree of difficulty. Any plays that result in what CMS considers a preventable error will not be paid. Players will be paid equally so as to avoid discrimination. Attorneys however may charge and collect as much as they can.

All players are subject to a determination of a Standard of Football and any deviation from this may result in million dollar lawsuits. This determination will be determined by attorneys who have a finacial interest in making as much money from suing the players as possible.

Oh, patient is in the room, got to go.